Queer Experience

Does the queer bashing/bullying ever stop?

Growing up as a soft boy in a society of pro masculine boys has to be my biggest scar. Having to try to fit in in circles I have no business belonging in just to channel my inner Ben 10. Having to hide my love for Barbie dolls because I am a boy, I have to love cars & guns.

Tough, right? Ugh, picture this, you’re a young boy in an all boys school, you’re looking for friends and everyone doesn’t accept you because you’re too feminine for them. You’re a moffie (a derogatory term used to offend a member of the lgbtqia+). Every word said to me at my early upbringing is still in my head. Still haunts me. I keep questioning if whether could this ‘sickness’ or ‘abomination’ be cured. Haha, good luck finding the cure; I for one searched and searched for one and it was never there but what I could find was self hate, self doubt, loss of identity, loss of self-esteem.

Now imagine hating yourself when the whole world hates you too, funny right? There was not even a single day I walked down my high school corridor without being bullied or called names. I had to choose myself. I had to pick myself up and walk. It wasn’t easy. I had days where I forced myself to go to school because I needed school, still do lol.

Family? Did they care? Did they know about my sexuality? Do they know the difference between gender and sexuality? Well, I live in a very old school and cultural home so, nope. I had to swallow my Sasha Fierce alter ego and be the strongest hulk of all, for instance, I do the garden, I drilled the hole for our curtains and I am required to slaughter sheep when we have a family celebration. Am I calling chores bullying? Of course not! It’s just another trigger of how masculinity was forced into me.

I know a lot of queers would relate to this and I know in every background being accepted as queer isn’t easy. Fighting the system and trying to be informative could be of assistance.

• Bheki Mnyanda